Do not enter into power struggles with your children. Nobody wins in a power struggle. It’s just not worth it. Most power struggles happen as our children come into their teenage years however younger children can be very good at this too.
Recently my 13 year old son decided to test the limits on a Friday evening. His friends called over at about half past eight at night and asked him to come and play in the park. Now Kieren knew that it would be over my dead body.
All the same he thought he would try his luck so he said to me, “Mum, please can I go outside with my friends to the park?” I said “no”, and Kieren asked me again. I repeated my answer quite firmly by saying, “no you will not go outside again tonight”. We had just arrived home from Youth Group so I was hardly depriving my kids of entertainment.
I could hear him becoming more and more disgruntled and talking out loud with his protesting but I quietly stood my ground. I had to endure about ten minutes of major protesting and a couple of door slams however he did not try to leave the house that night.
But here’s the thing, I didn’t try to make Kieren happy about my decision. He needed some time to cool off that night. He actually went to bed in a huff with me, something that was quite out of character for him.
As parents we should realize that kids often try to exert power over others, whether peers or parents. When this happens we should try to offer choices rather than making too many demands. This can ease the pain associated with conflict and ultimately prevent power struggles from occuring.
It is human nature to test authority. Most of us do it at some time in our lives. But when kids do it they are wanting to know that you will not waver in your boundaries. This gives them a feeling of security in their lives.
I have come to realize that as a mother of teenagers it is not always your job to be liked. Often children will hate you for the boundaries you give them, in the short term. But the very next morning Kieren came back to me with an apology.
I accepted his apology, nevertheless the consequence stayed the same. You know, do the crime, pay the time. When Kieren woke the next morning his bedroom door was off its hinges. That was for the door slamming episode that should never have happened in our house. And that action itself was avoiding a power struggle. There have been no more door slamming episodes in our house and Kieren has learned a valuable lesson.